Parenting
It is not uncommon for people to find the ups and downs of parenting a challenge.
We offer support to families who are experiencing difficulties within parent-child relationships and may need support with parenting. I appreciate how hard parenting can be, the challenges families can face and I am familiar with different types of therapeutic parenting approaches.
Discipline has come to mean many things. When talking about bringing up children, we often understand it to mean reprimanding a child for what is considered 'bad behaviour'. Many people don't realise that there is a different way which prioritises 'connection' with the child.
Traditional parenting approaches such as using rewards and punishments can override a child's natural inclination to try. In other words, it teaches them to behave in a certain way to get a reward or to avoid a punishment which can often be successful only in the short term.
Children and young people have an underdeveloped brain which is not fully mature until they are in their mid twenties. When children are seeking attention or 'acting up', it's their way of communicating "I'm overwhelmed right now and I need your help".
The 'naughty step' or 'time out' can give children the message that when they have got a problem, they are being sent away or left alone to sort it out by themselves. 'Time out' punishes children for having an immature brain and struggling with something. When children behave 'poorly' it's usually because their brains aren't developed enough to help them be more controlled/behave better.
The best discipline for children does not have to involve punishment, repercussions or consequences. There appears to be a misperception in society that when children do something wrong, they must be given a consequence or punishment in order to teach them a lesson and in order to discipline well. This is a really outdated idea and what we want to do is to teach children how to react in a more appropriate way whilst bearing in mind their capabilities and brain development.
Once we understand the meaning of children's behaviours, rather than seeing them as 'naughty', we are able to provide a nurturing and caring response. This will contribute hugely to the relationship you have with your child and will help with increasing resilience to manage difficulties in the future.
All behaviours are meaningful and a way of communicating an unmet need. A few examples could be: feeling overwhelmed with emotion, unwell, tired, hungry or thirsty, a change in environment or circumstances which have been difficult to adapt to, issues with friendships, struggling with learning or making sense of something etc.
Sarah Ockwell Smith is a parenting expert who specialises in attachment theory and writes about how this style of parenting, which is scientific and evidence based, is the healthiest way to raise a confident, happy, independent, intelligent and kind child.
Sometimes it can be helpful to consider how you were parented and your own experiences as a child and how these may have influenced your approach and the pros and cons of this.
If you would like to know more about this and figuring out what works best to meet the emotional needs of your child, do get in touch.
